After reading Chris' testimony on the blog, I figured that it would be suiting for my first post to be my testimony. It's also fun to do today since it's our 2 year anniversary!

I grew up in a Christian home with a fantastic family. I became a Christian at the age of 5 praying next to both of my parents asking for Christ to "come into my heart". As I got older, I realized that this decision was the most important one I would ever make. I went to church and a private school where I started understanding what it meant to live like a Christian. My faith was first truly tested when I was a freshman in high school. My older sister was in a car wreck and was careflighted to the hospital. When my family and I arrived, the doctors told us that she would need emergency surgery for the next 16 hours and had very little chance of making it through the night. I was in shock and had no idea what to do or think. As I watched my parents struggle through the situation, I noticed that they had a peace that confused me. It was there that I realized I had two options: I could either reject the notion that there is a God that loved me and cared for me, or I could believe the things that I had heard my whole life. I chose to lean fully on God and see if He could really comfort me. He did. Against all odds, my sister survived. A little over a year later, my faith was tested again. I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and was told that I would be insulin dependent for the rest of my life. The diagnosis did not rattle me as much as the doctor expected. As he continued to explain how difficult it would be, I could only remember how faithful God had been the year before. I had experienced His peace before and knew that He would be there for me. These two experiences shaped how I would respond to every other circumstance in my life. Through college, I pursued God. Life was void of terribly difficult circumstances and things were going well. I was dating an amazing, Godly woman and had some awesome friends. I graduated college and prepared to marry my best friend. One week before the wedding, Chris went to the ER with terrible abdominal pain. She was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and released from the hospital 5 days before the wedding. Again, I rested on God because I knew He would bring us through this. We made it through our wedding and were able to joke about the fact that we both have incurable illnesses. Unfortunately, the most recent difficult circumstances was one of the hardest ones for me. Three months ago today, we found out that we miscarried our first child. The wound is still fresh, but I know that I am not alone. Even though I don't understand why this happened, I simply have to trust God. He has never left me nor forsaken me (Hebrews 13:5), and I trust that He never will. I could list all of the verses that I cling to in order to make it through each day, but those don't mean anything if I don't trust Him. That's what it means to follow Him, right? Whether I feel like it or not, I make the choice to trust that He will lead me better than I could lead myself.

A Day to Remember

Today I was finally baptized for the first time.  While I was very nervous to give my testimony, the Lord is good and helped me every step of the way, even if there were lots of tears.  I couldn't be any more thankful to have family, community, and close friends with me today, supporting me in a way that only followers of Christ can do.  I was able to see baptism in a way that I had never seen it before.  It was close and intimate and yet still with 200 people.  What I have realized more than anything is that I need to tell my story more.  Since I have not done that on this blog, it is about time.  I hope to get Brett on here soon and have him write his as well.
I grew up in a Christian home.  Both parents had accepted Christ at an earlier age and were pursuing Him whole heartedly when I came along.  They enrolled me in a private Christian school.  I knew the story of Jesus like it was a common bedtime story.  When I was eleven and at Pine Cove Christian Camp, I decided that I really understood what it meant to be a follower of Christ and put my trust in Him.  After many years of  "doing the right thing", I hit a point where I was tired of being a good person.  I thought that I didn't really understand what the Lord saved me from because I had always steered clear of the don'ts in the Bible.  At the beginning of high school, I decided that I wanted to live my own way, apart from what my family, close friends, and school was telling me how to live.  After involving myself in relationships with people that did not pursue a relationship with Christ and a boy that I thought would be my savior, I realized that I was empty and living a lie.  As I started to end some aspects of these relationships, the lies I had been telling people for a year caught up to me.  My parents ended any communication that I had with the people that were not pursuing Christ and at that time, I had pushed away all the friends that really meant something to me because their relationship with Christ made me feel guilty for not living the way that would reflect the Holy Spirit dwelling in me.  I felt alone and unworthy of anyone's love.  A new teacher at my high school asked me to stay after class one day and told me that she had been praying since the summer about taking three girls under her wing to mentor.  She explained that my name kept popping up more and more during her times with the Lord.  After a year of mentorship, I realized that I was broken, alone, and felt completely unworthy of love that would come from a perfect God.  It was then that I realized that I was not able to do this life on my own.  I accepted the Lord's forgiveness, while still struggling to forgive myself for the poor decisions I had made.  Certain verses kept creeping up in my mind that reassured Christ's love for me, that I was worthy to be loved by a perfect God.  Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates His love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  As I started to think about what true love looked like, the ideas of the world fell short.  I had partaken in the worlds view of "love" and it was anything but satisfying.  I found that the only true love is selfless and undeserving.  That was Christ's love.  There is nothing I can do to earn it and nothing I can do to lose it.
I will be the first one to tell you that I am a work in progress.  I am by no means perfect.  However, much has changed since then.  I was blessed to marry a man who loves the Lord as much as I do and pursues Him daily.  The Lord uses Brett to spur me on to grow in my faith with the Lord.  I look to the Lord in times of joy, offering thanksgiving, and times of sorrow, looking to Him for comfort and refuge.  The Lord is the only one that has brought us on the other side of not just 1 but 2 chronic illnesses in our family of 2 and a miscarriage.  We rejoice in who the Lord is because He is Good, Loving, Compassionate, Full of Grace and Mercy.  And the best part is, it is all free. 
I love telling my story of Grace.  It is one that usually I can't even get through without crying because I understand better now than ever how much His sovereignty and love affect me every day!
He is the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I can lay down at night.  I will praise His name forever!

Teachings that Can be so Bittersweet

It has been a while since I last wrote something on here. I wish this post could be more uplifting but at last, the Lord does not promise that this life will be easy.
Brett and I found out about a month ago that we were expecting our first child! We were so excited and couldn't wait to tell everyone. Even though this was our first response, we knew that it was wise to just wait for a few more weeks before we told the world (from the mountain tops if we could!)
Unfortunately, yesterday things made a turn that we had feared even before we got pregnant. It was confirmed today that our little pumpkin went to be with the Lord and that we would not be able to greet our little peanut this fall. While devastation hit yesterday, a sort of peace came over both of us today.
Lately I have been struggling with understanding God's love. People have told me my whole life that the Lord loves me. But what does that look like? Through this experience, I am starting to understand. One verse that Brett encouraged me to memorize during the pregnancy was one of the best ones that I could have learned.
Nahum 1:7 - The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble; he cares for those that trust in Him.
How powerful! Here is where I see his love for me: I have a husband that displays Christ daily. He has cried with me and held me throughout this whole thing. I have a family that bends over backwards to feed us or to come and led kisses and hugs after their own busy days. Brett and I are surrounded by believers, both at work and at church, that pray for us continually and offer support that could not come from just anyone. The Lord is showing his love for us through each one of these people in my life. I cling to his promise that he is my refuge. Today, I found myself praying, telling the Lord that I am so happy that my baby gets to be with Him and that someday, I will get to be with the two of them as well. What more could I ask for? My baby is not lost, but is comforted more than I ever could here on earth. While Brett and I still mourn, we look at this time to be together, to love on one another, and to look to our Savior, remembering that He is Sovereign. He does not make mistakes. This baby was not a mistake and losing him/her was not a mistake either.

House Projects Begin ...

Wow do I have a lot of catching up to do! It has been several months since I last wrote and there has been a lot going on in the Billman household. Where did we leave off ... Oh ya, the house. So Brett and I had overlap time between having to get out of the apartment and being able to move in to the house. That is when we decided to paint. Maybe I should clarify: that is when I decided to paint and my wonderful, PATIENT, husband said he would gladly help me in this adventure. Picking the paints was not as easy as I thought. It took weeks for me to settle on the colors and even then, I was trying to fight back those "buyer remorse" feelings. All in all, it went pretty well. Between Brett, my mother-in-law, and myself, it all got done. While we might have saved a couple of dinero painting it ourselves, I don't think we will try this again.

What is this all about?

I was thinking this morning about the purpose of this blog. I want to inform people of the happenings in our life but I want so much more than that. This blog is meant to show Christ in an authentic way. If you know me, you know that I can't stand when people make the Christian walk look so flowery. The honest truth is, it isn't. However, the difference is I have hope. Ok, now I feel like I am getting ahead of myself ...
Yesterday was a pretty bad day. I cried pretty much my whole way home from work. When I got home, there were beautiful flowers in a vase waiting for me with dinner started by my wonderful husband. Later that night, I got a text message from a good friend from work that in a great way lifted me up. She was real, saying that this sucks but gave a verse that I had forgotten about that struck me hard. I decided to read the whole chapter and the verse that follows is also a good one. 2 Corinthians 12 talks about Paul and his thorn. It's funny how flippantly we use the phrase "thorn in my side" but reading this brings more meaning behind it. Here are the verses that I dwelt on this morning during my quiet time:
v. 9-10: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Wow! I feel so weak right now but I can rest in the hope that I will be made strong because of the Lord. I might not be able to see the strength come at this very moment but who's to say that I won't look back on this time and think "I am human and was not able to see God's purpose until He was ready to reveal it to me!" So this is where there is a fork. I can either put my trust in the Lord and know that He is Sovereign and look to Him for guidance and strength, or I can continue to ask why and wonder down a path that leads to a dead end. This isn't to say that on the path of trusting Christ there aren't tears and some heartache. It is to say that what I can see isn't the big picture. During this time of waiting, I want to be a servant for Christ, looking for opportunities to serve and share with others.

First Night ... Well Kind of

Brett and I got the go ahead on moving into the house! We knew the house would be ours the beginning of August but they moved out a couple of days before that so we stayed the night on Friday. The day first started with us loading up the car with the futon mattress, two plastic cups, and minimal clothes. And of course linens. I brought along some games to play while we stayed in our living room with no TV and my lap top to rent a Redbox and watch together. We unloaded the car of all the things I had brought and started on the yard. The house doesn't have a sprinkler system so we bought hoses and hooked them up with these tractor things that water the yard. We didn't realize how long it would take so we went ahead and went to Fuzzy's for a quick bite to eat by the house. Then off to get dessert and sparkling wine to toast to a new adventure!


Back in our empty house, we decided to watch The Lincoln Lawyer. Right before the movie started, Brett asked if I would pause it for a moment. I had no idea what he was going to do but he didn't surprise me when he stepped up to be the leader of our family and said he would like us to pray over the house. I prayed first and then Brett.


The next morning, Brett had to go into work for a few hours and I went to the church for a half day of prayer to complete the class we are both taking, Equipped Disciple. During these four hours of just the Lord and me, I thought I would search to see what scripture said about hospitality. Here are a couple of things that I found:


1 Peter 4:9 - Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.


Romans 12:13 - Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.


Hebrews 13:2 - Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.


Titus 1:8 - Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.


1 Timothy 5:10 - and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the saints, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds.


The last verse is talking about a widow but I truly want this to be what people say about me at the end of my life. I want to pray these verses over my new house or wherever I am for the rest of my life. Brett and I both want this house to be used by the Lord. That could mean people spending the night, hosting community groups, future foundation groups, Bible Studies, fellowship ... the list is endless! I know this is only the beginning but I am so excited already!