4 Months Old

My Little Lady,
4 months have just flown by!  It went by so quickly, I didn't write when you turned 3 months.  You have been so busy lately.  You took your first plane ride to visit your great-grandmother in New Jersey.  The plane ride was a piece of cake for you and all the people around us thought you were adorable and wonderfully quiet.

 You also had your first swimming lesson with many of our good friends.  The water is one of your favorite things, and you thoroughly enjoyed it.

You went to the church nursery for the first time and while I cried to leave you, you slept the whole time, even when I came to pick you up.  You have been to 2 different lakes within a month of each other and loved being with lots of family.  You even had a blow out or two on the way which resulted in a bath in the sink upon our arrival. You have started to roll over in your crib all by yourself, mostly on accident, but we are excited!  You have really mastered talking.  The changing table and your Lamby are your two favorite places to talk to us.  You help me cook in the kitchen a lot and always enjoy listening to music.  Your soft giggles and belly laughs are music to my ears.
While you are learning how to put your knees up under you to get into the crawling position, flipping over, and grabbing toys (and sometimes a handful of my hair), I am learning too.  One of the biggest and most important things I am learning right now is that I have idols in my life.  For a long time, I had to battle making your Daddy my idol.  He is such a wonderful, loving man that I tend to look to him to fulfill me.  Then you came into our lives.  What I am realizing is that I look to you to bring me happiness and fill me with joy.  My sweet girl, there is only one person that can bring me joy, Jesus.  The world is constantly vying for my attention and it will yours too.  Our focus has to continue to be the same: fixing our eyes on the Lord.  As soon as I look to you or your Daddy to fulfill me, I am disappointed, not because you aren't wonderful but because only Jesus can truly give me a purpose.  You will find that someday, you too will have idols that you have to battle.  Whether that is a job someday, a man, or your own children, I want to remind you that the Love of Jesus is far greater than anything on this earth and all you will ever need.
I can't wait to see what this next month will bring, all the things you will learn, and the refinement of me through being your Mommy.

The Most Important Thing

My little girl,
Your mommy is out for the evening, so you and I get one of our "Daddy-Daughter" nights. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to do this. I have never spent much time around babies, but it seems that I can't get enough of you! This parenting thing is proving to be challenging. More than anything else, you're showing me how selfish of a person I can be. As most people know, I don't do well when my day isn't planned out by the minute. I do even worse when my plans are derailed by something unexpected. This has been completely turned upside down over the last 12 weeks. I am learning to be flexible which, as your Mommy knows, isn't a natural trait of mine. Take tonight for example. You are sitting right next to me refusing to sleep. I've tried everything that I've seen your Mommy do for you, but it just doesn't work. She is so much better at these things than I am. Still, I really am trying to get better. I was watching TV as I fed you. I looked down and saw that you were entranced by the TV as well. I thought to myself "Is this really how I want to spend time with my daughter?". So, we turned it off and went to your room to see if I could get you to go to sleep.

As I was sitting in your room holding you, I decided to read to you out of your Jesus Storybook Bible. We read about Moses and the Ten Commandments. We read about how the Israelites were unable to keep all of the rules all of the time. The story ended by reminding us of the most important thing:

"Only one Person could keep all the rules. And many years later God would send him - to stand in their place and be perfect for them. Because the rules couldn't save them. Only God could save them."

My eyes welled up with tears as I read this out loud to you. It's very tempting for me to get caught up with rules and regulations. It's easy for me to think God loves me more or less depending on the things I do that day, but that's not true. God loves me in spite of the things I do. He has already done everything that needs to be done. He gave His son to die in my place and in yours. This is the absolute most important thing I could ever teach you.

Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

2 Months Old ... Where has the time gone?

My Sweet Girl,
It feels like yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital.  Your Daddy and I had a great time leading up to your birth.  We got to choose the day to go to the hospital to have you because of a medicine I had to take to keep you and me safe.  We went in Tuesday night, April 3rd.  Before we checked in, your Daddy and I went and had one last date night as just the two of us.  We had a great time talking about how we would be holding you soon and how our life was getting ready to change in a wonderful way.  We listened to The Great Adventure by Steven Curtis Chapman because you are part of our Great Adventure here on earth.

After a very restless night due to contractions, they started me on a medicine to make you come a little faster and broke my water.  You were so warm and cozy inside my tummy that you didn't want to come out at first.  After laboring all day, it was time to push at 12:30am Friday morning.  I pushed for two and a half hours before you decided you wanted to come.  At 2:59am on Friday, April 5th, you took your first breathe.  We were so excited to have you here so that we could hold you and kiss you.  You weighed 8 pounds, 8 ounces and were 21 inches long.  Even though it was a very exhausting 27 hours, we couldn't be any more thankful that you were healthy and perfect.
After so much needed rest and many visitors, it was time to take you home.  Your Daddy and I were ready to bring you to a place we had spent months preparing for your arrival.  I can remember riding home thinking of how incredibly blessed I am to have you in the back seat, happy and healthy, and have your Daddy, the man who would lead us toward Christ every day and who I love with all my heart, right next to me.

Since then, the days have flown by.  You are growing up so fast!  You love bath time and being held by me or your Daddy.  Music brightens you up when you are sad or makes your legs pump with joy.  Everyone loves your hair, even though it won't seem to sit down.  We can't ever seem to get enough of you!  I love talking to you, reading books with you, and kissing your toes and chubby cheeks.  You are truly a wonderful gift!

Sweet Landry, please remember this: you are loved by your Daddy and me but we are here to shepherd you to know the Lord.  He has entrusted us in this short time here on earth to be your parents.  But he loves you more than we ever could.  That thought is hard for me to wrap my head around since I love you more than I ever imagined.  The question I have had to ask myself many times over and over again is "What does it look like to be a successful mom?"  For a long time after you were born, I constantly felt like I was failing you because of thinking you were too hot, too cold, not full, too full, needed a pacifier, didn't need a pacifier, needed interaction, was over stimulated, and on and on.  What I had to realize was success was showing you, even at this young of an age, that I need a Savior every single day.  Without him, I am lost and so are you.  Your Daddy and I cry out to Him everyday, asking Him to shepherd us as we shepherd you.  Without Him, this life is meaningless, hopeless, and empty.  This world will try to tell you what success looks like (money, men, materials), but I beg you not to listen.  When I sing you the songs that are straight from scripture or Daddy recites verses over you on Saturday mornings, it is to remind  you that we need him every second of every day.

We love you and are thankful the Lord has given you to us to be your parents. 

Our wonderful doctor, Dr. Haddock

One of your beautiful newborn pictures

                 

Our Buddy, Wills

Our Sweet Friend, Cooper

Our Little Critter, Grayson

You sure do love your Daddy!

                                                     

My Big Two Month Baby Girl

                                           

 Your newest trick!

                                                               

We love our Grandpa!

You and Poppi

Right after you were born, Aunt Ali held you

You and your Aunt Lauren

Aunt Katie can't get enough of you!

You and your Grandmothers

Ball Cap or Bows?

Our Sweet Blessing,
After much waiting and anticipation, we finally got to know if you will be a girl or a boy.  So many friends and family came to celebrate with us.  It was such a blessing to see how many people love this Billman family of 3 and know that we are being covered in their prayers. 

Since your Mommy has a sweet tooth, we had cupcakes that were filled with colored icing.  The color told us if we would be buying dresses or bow ties.  On top of the cupcakes where little bows, some pink and some blue.  This was for our sweet family and friends to try to guess which one you would be.  We also had pink and blue straws to go in everyone's drink to show their guesses. 

 

Then came the best part; your daddy prayed with everyone.  It was a wonderful moment to see your Daddy lead both of us well.  Then for the surprise of whether you were a boy or a girl.  As they bit into the cupcake, they found that you are ... A GIRL!  There was pink icing in each cupcake.  Everyone was so excited to finally be able to say "she" when talking about you. 
We were asked if we had picked a name for you but your Daddy and I wanted a chance to talk about it first.  After much thought and many lists, we came up with your name: Landry Katherine Billman.  Your middle name is after two women in our family, your Aunt Katie and your great grandmother Catherine Christopherson.  Both women love the Lord and love you very much!  You have 3 great grandmothers that can't wait to see you in April. 

And we have two more babies that will be coming around the same time that you will.

The day was a blast!  We are so blessed by so many friends and family.  I can't wait for you to meet all of them. 

We love you, Landry, and can't wait to hold you in our arms! 

Want to know a secret?

Dear Little One,
Today we are letting everyone know that you will be arriving April 14, 2013.  Your Daddy and I have prayed for you for so long we almost can't believe that you are growing in my tummy.  While this road has not been easy, we would do it all over again for you.  We have watched you go from just a little tadpole to having arms, legs, a mouth and every major organ.  Today, you are 3 inches long, weighing at roughly an ounce.  All your aunts have continued to shower you with love before you even get here.  Your grandparents think that you are the greatest thing they have ever seen and can't wait for your arrival.  Your Daddy and I pray for you every night, that the Lord would keep you safe and let you grow big and strong.  We pray for the man/woman you will be someday, asking the Lord to make us parents that direct you toward Him, knowing that He is your only hope in this world.

We have an appointment with the doctor next week and before you know it, we will find out if we need pink bows or blue sailboats.  I can't wait to hold you in my arms, kiss you, and sing sweet songs of grace over you as you sleep.  Your Daddy is a wonderful man.  He works so hard so that I get to stay home with you when you arrive.  I'm not sure there is a greater gift that a husband can give his family.  He has a picture of you on his nightstand that the doctor took while you rest in my tummy.  He loves you so much and talks to you often.  Your Dad is the most patient, serving person I know.  The way he holds my hair back when I'm sick and rubs my back when I am not feeling well is a great reminder of the kind of Dad he is going to be to you.  Keep growing strong, my blessing.  We are so excited to meet in the spring!

After reading Chris' testimony on the blog, I figured that it would be suiting for my first post to be my testimony. It's also fun to do today since it's our 2 year anniversary!

I grew up in a Christian home with a fantastic family. I became a Christian at the age of 5 praying next to both of my parents asking for Christ to "come into my heart". As I got older, I realized that this decision was the most important one I would ever make. I went to church and a private school where I started understanding what it meant to live like a Christian. My faith was first truly tested when I was a freshman in high school. My older sister was in a car wreck and was careflighted to the hospital. When my family and I arrived, the doctors told us that she would need emergency surgery for the next 16 hours and had very little chance of making it through the night. I was in shock and had no idea what to do or think. As I watched my parents struggle through the situation, I noticed that they had a peace that confused me. It was there that I realized I had two options: I could either reject the notion that there is a God that loved me and cared for me, or I could believe the things that I had heard my whole life. I chose to lean fully on God and see if He could really comfort me. He did. Against all odds, my sister survived. A little over a year later, my faith was tested again. I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and was told that I would be insulin dependent for the rest of my life. The diagnosis did not rattle me as much as the doctor expected. As he continued to explain how difficult it would be, I could only remember how faithful God had been the year before. I had experienced His peace before and knew that He would be there for me. These two experiences shaped how I would respond to every other circumstance in my life. Through college, I pursued God. Life was void of terribly difficult circumstances and things were going well. I was dating an amazing, Godly woman and had some awesome friends. I graduated college and prepared to marry my best friend. One week before the wedding, Chris went to the ER with terrible abdominal pain. She was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and released from the hospital 5 days before the wedding. Again, I rested on God because I knew He would bring us through this. We made it through our wedding and were able to joke about the fact that we both have incurable illnesses. Unfortunately, the most recent difficult circumstances was one of the hardest ones for me. Three months ago today, we found out that we miscarried our first child. The wound is still fresh, but I know that I am not alone. Even though I don't understand why this happened, I simply have to trust God. He has never left me nor forsaken me (Hebrews 13:5), and I trust that He never will. I could list all of the verses that I cling to in order to make it through each day, but those don't mean anything if I don't trust Him. That's what it means to follow Him, right? Whether I feel like it or not, I make the choice to trust that He will lead me better than I could lead myself.

A Day to Remember

Today I was finally baptized for the first time.  While I was very nervous to give my testimony, the Lord is good and helped me every step of the way, even if there were lots of tears.  I couldn't be any more thankful to have family, community, and close friends with me today, supporting me in a way that only followers of Christ can do.  I was able to see baptism in a way that I had never seen it before.  It was close and intimate and yet still with 200 people.  What I have realized more than anything is that I need to tell my story more.  Since I have not done that on this blog, it is about time.  I hope to get Brett on here soon and have him write his as well.
I grew up in a Christian home.  Both parents had accepted Christ at an earlier age and were pursuing Him whole heartedly when I came along.  They enrolled me in a private Christian school.  I knew the story of Jesus like it was a common bedtime story.  When I was eleven and at Pine Cove Christian Camp, I decided that I really understood what it meant to be a follower of Christ and put my trust in Him.  After many years of  "doing the right thing", I hit a point where I was tired of being a good person.  I thought that I didn't really understand what the Lord saved me from because I had always steered clear of the don'ts in the Bible.  At the beginning of high school, I decided that I wanted to live my own way, apart from what my family, close friends, and school was telling me how to live.  After involving myself in relationships with people that did not pursue a relationship with Christ and a boy that I thought would be my savior, I realized that I was empty and living a lie.  As I started to end some aspects of these relationships, the lies I had been telling people for a year caught up to me.  My parents ended any communication that I had with the people that were not pursuing Christ and at that time, I had pushed away all the friends that really meant something to me because their relationship with Christ made me feel guilty for not living the way that would reflect the Holy Spirit dwelling in me.  I felt alone and unworthy of anyone's love.  A new teacher at my high school asked me to stay after class one day and told me that she had been praying since the summer about taking three girls under her wing to mentor.  She explained that my name kept popping up more and more during her times with the Lord.  After a year of mentorship, I realized that I was broken, alone, and felt completely unworthy of love that would come from a perfect God.  It was then that I realized that I was not able to do this life on my own.  I accepted the Lord's forgiveness, while still struggling to forgive myself for the poor decisions I had made.  Certain verses kept creeping up in my mind that reassured Christ's love for me, that I was worthy to be loved by a perfect God.  Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates His love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  As I started to think about what true love looked like, the ideas of the world fell short.  I had partaken in the worlds view of "love" and it was anything but satisfying.  I found that the only true love is selfless and undeserving.  That was Christ's love.  There is nothing I can do to earn it and nothing I can do to lose it.
I will be the first one to tell you that I am a work in progress.  I am by no means perfect.  However, much has changed since then.  I was blessed to marry a man who loves the Lord as much as I do and pursues Him daily.  The Lord uses Brett to spur me on to grow in my faith with the Lord.  I look to the Lord in times of joy, offering thanksgiving, and times of sorrow, looking to Him for comfort and refuge.  The Lord is the only one that has brought us on the other side of not just 1 but 2 chronic illnesses in our family of 2 and a miscarriage.  We rejoice in who the Lord is because He is Good, Loving, Compassionate, Full of Grace and Mercy.  And the best part is, it is all free. 
I love telling my story of Grace.  It is one that usually I can't even get through without crying because I understand better now than ever how much His sovereignty and love affect me every day!
He is the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I can lay down at night.  I will praise His name forever!

Teachings that Can be so Bittersweet

It has been a while since I last wrote something on here. I wish this post could be more uplifting but at last, the Lord does not promise that this life will be easy.
Brett and I found out about a month ago that we were expecting our first child! We were so excited and couldn't wait to tell everyone. Even though this was our first response, we knew that it was wise to just wait for a few more weeks before we told the world (from the mountain tops if we could!)
Unfortunately, yesterday things made a turn that we had feared even before we got pregnant. It was confirmed today that our little pumpkin went to be with the Lord and that we would not be able to greet our little peanut this fall. While devastation hit yesterday, a sort of peace came over both of us today.
Lately I have been struggling with understanding God's love. People have told me my whole life that the Lord loves me. But what does that look like? Through this experience, I am starting to understand. One verse that Brett encouraged me to memorize during the pregnancy was one of the best ones that I could have learned.
Nahum 1:7 - The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble; he cares for those that trust in Him.
How powerful! Here is where I see his love for me: I have a husband that displays Christ daily. He has cried with me and held me throughout this whole thing. I have a family that bends over backwards to feed us or to come and led kisses and hugs after their own busy days. Brett and I are surrounded by believers, both at work and at church, that pray for us continually and offer support that could not come from just anyone. The Lord is showing his love for us through each one of these people in my life. I cling to his promise that he is my refuge. Today, I found myself praying, telling the Lord that I am so happy that my baby gets to be with Him and that someday, I will get to be with the two of them as well. What more could I ask for? My baby is not lost, but is comforted more than I ever could here on earth. While Brett and I still mourn, we look at this time to be together, to love on one another, and to look to our Savior, remembering that He is Sovereign. He does not make mistakes. This baby was not a mistake and losing him/her was not a mistake either.

House Projects Begin ...

Wow do I have a lot of catching up to do! It has been several months since I last wrote and there has been a lot going on in the Billman household. Where did we leave off ... Oh ya, the house. So Brett and I had overlap time between having to get out of the apartment and being able to move in to the house. That is when we decided to paint. Maybe I should clarify: that is when I decided to paint and my wonderful, PATIENT, husband said he would gladly help me in this adventure. Picking the paints was not as easy as I thought. It took weeks for me to settle on the colors and even then, I was trying to fight back those "buyer remorse" feelings. All in all, it went pretty well. Between Brett, my mother-in-law, and myself, it all got done. While we might have saved a couple of dinero painting it ourselves, I don't think we will try this again.

What is this all about?

I was thinking this morning about the purpose of this blog. I want to inform people of the happenings in our life but I want so much more than that. This blog is meant to show Christ in an authentic way. If you know me, you know that I can't stand when people make the Christian walk look so flowery. The honest truth is, it isn't. However, the difference is I have hope. Ok, now I feel like I am getting ahead of myself ...
Yesterday was a pretty bad day. I cried pretty much my whole way home from work. When I got home, there were beautiful flowers in a vase waiting for me with dinner started by my wonderful husband. Later that night, I got a text message from a good friend from work that in a great way lifted me up. She was real, saying that this sucks but gave a verse that I had forgotten about that struck me hard. I decided to read the whole chapter and the verse that follows is also a good one. 2 Corinthians 12 talks about Paul and his thorn. It's funny how flippantly we use the phrase "thorn in my side" but reading this brings more meaning behind it. Here are the verses that I dwelt on this morning during my quiet time:
v. 9-10: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Wow! I feel so weak right now but I can rest in the hope that I will be made strong because of the Lord. I might not be able to see the strength come at this very moment but who's to say that I won't look back on this time and think "I am human and was not able to see God's purpose until He was ready to reveal it to me!" So this is where there is a fork. I can either put my trust in the Lord and know that He is Sovereign and look to Him for guidance and strength, or I can continue to ask why and wonder down a path that leads to a dead end. This isn't to say that on the path of trusting Christ there aren't tears and some heartache. It is to say that what I can see isn't the big picture. During this time of waiting, I want to be a servant for Christ, looking for opportunities to serve and share with others.

First Night ... Well Kind of

Brett and I got the go ahead on moving into the house! We knew the house would be ours the beginning of August but they moved out a couple of days before that so we stayed the night on Friday. The day first started with us loading up the car with the futon mattress, two plastic cups, and minimal clothes. And of course linens. I brought along some games to play while we stayed in our living room with no TV and my lap top to rent a Redbox and watch together. We unloaded the car of all the things I had brought and started on the yard. The house doesn't have a sprinkler system so we bought hoses and hooked them up with these tractor things that water the yard. We didn't realize how long it would take so we went ahead and went to Fuzzy's for a quick bite to eat by the house. Then off to get dessert and sparkling wine to toast to a new adventure!


Back in our empty house, we decided to watch The Lincoln Lawyer. Right before the movie started, Brett asked if I would pause it for a moment. I had no idea what he was going to do but he didn't surprise me when he stepped up to be the leader of our family and said he would like us to pray over the house. I prayed first and then Brett.


The next morning, Brett had to go into work for a few hours and I went to the church for a half day of prayer to complete the class we are both taking, Equipped Disciple. During these four hours of just the Lord and me, I thought I would search to see what scripture said about hospitality. Here are a couple of things that I found:


1 Peter 4:9 - Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.


Romans 12:13 - Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.


Hebrews 13:2 - Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.


Titus 1:8 - Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.


1 Timothy 5:10 - and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the saints, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds.


The last verse is talking about a widow but I truly want this to be what people say about me at the end of my life. I want to pray these verses over my new house or wherever I am for the rest of my life. Brett and I both want this house to be used by the Lord. That could mean people spending the night, hosting community groups, future foundation groups, Bible Studies, fellowship ... the list is endless! I know this is only the beginning but I am so excited already!

Home Sweet Home!

Well, we finally did it! We are officially first time home buyers. Kind of crazy to think that we own a house! Since this is our first big thing to happen (besides getting married ... more to come one that), I thought this would be the time to start blogging. I've never done this before so we will see how everything turns out.

We are not able to officially move in until August which is a blessing for us since we can't get out of our lease until September. Looking at this house, I think of all the blessings I have. It isn't the materials that make it a blessing but what is going to fill it: a God fearing family. I want this home to be one of joy, peace, and laughter. I want this to be a resting place for those that need a place to lay their head. Brett and I both want the Lord to use this house in every way possible, to show love, compassion, and Jesus.

More to come when we officially move in ...